Like old times... or not. (J'var)

[katgod]

Elfreth sat on her ledge watching as Laszreen took off the ivory gown she had worn to the Hatching Feast. She put on a much more comfortable pair of leathers with a dark red shirt and her leather jacket. Then she took her hair out of its up do and placed it in an unruly ponytail. She wasn't fussing with how she looked though she desperately wanted to. Tonight she was going to him as an old friend and only that. She had lay aside her feelings.

Laszreen was good at that. Feelings were unnecessary to life. She put straps on Elfreth as quickly as ever. The sooner she got down their the sooner it would be over. The Gold rider had forgotten to take off some of her jewelry but it wasn't going anywhere. Of course in her rush to get down there she had forgotten what she was going to say. Maybe he should talk first.

Feeling like a worry wart, she stopped her busy mind. Calm down. Elfreth landed where they used to meet and thankfully he had not yet arrived. Although it may have been better if he was. She already felt like turning around and heading back. Elfreth however insisted she dismount. The Gold was not thrilled either but it was better than having her rider pace her weyr all night because she didn't go.

Alright alright! Laszreen slid down and landed softly one foot then another on the ground near the lake. She let Elfreth take off to her weyr and sat there listening to the sounds of the evening. The evening was cooler than the last few. Autumn was here. The leaves would be changing colors any day now. She liked the cold, it was so different from Igen.

[Adobe]

Moments after Laszreen arrived at the lake a dark metallic bronze landed with a soft thump and whoosh of wing. It was Ionuth. J'var jumped off of the bronze, his eyes hard but yearning. He licked his lips and took a few steps toward Laszreen, but left enough space between them for talking. Any closer and he feared she would rip off, well, he preferred not to think about it.

He never wanted to hurt her. He only ever did what he thought was in Igen's best interest. He also flew for himself, he did want to be Weyrleader, he could not deny it, but so did every one of those other men who competed. In actuality, he made the choice to compete out of pride, and Ionuth won. He swallowed hard, pain shot through the darkness of his eyes, "Laszreen, I never meant to hurt you. You've always meant the world to me, and I only did what I thought you'd have wanted me to do. I competed for Igen, for us. But what do I want of Weyrleadership if you won't so much as look at me?"

He searched her face, yearning for her to lift up her beautiful eyes to look at him. She felt he betrayed her, but he had done his duty to Nova! J'var still felt guilty as heck, and he said softly, "Neory means nothing to me. We are just friends. I haven't touched her. I have only ever desired you. If you hate me, fine, I won't bother you again, but if you still love me. . . Well, you're the only love of my life, Laszreen."

[katgod]

She thought she knew what he was going to say. When he arrived and stood at a far enough distance for her taste she tried not to look at him for a few moments. He would talk and she would listen. After that, she couldn't guaruntee that she could be civil. Of course, why had she even agreed to come? That was the problem right there.

Laszreen was not looking at him but she was listening. She was staring at her hand. The ring on her hand, she hadn't thought to take it off. It would be familiar only to herself and him though she still couldn't recall why she had even put it on. As he said, she wouldn't look at him because she couldn't. She didn't trust herself to stick to her convictions. Of course she remained silent to try and hear him out before she went off.

It was inevitable. This situation. She knew when she was being sent here that something would come between them. Elfreth was not to blame here though. Oh no, he could ahve let someone else win and pretended to have tried his best. Which Laszreen would have believed. Then Neory would have R'net and she would have J'var but now, he couldn't possibly think of flying her.

Her eyes lifted to his when he was finished. She wanted to throw him and kick him, punish him any way she could and in the same moment she wanted to take him to her and kiss him. How could a person be so torn? He needed to understand, she couldn't simply take him back that easily. That would not be like her and as he said, he loved her. "What am I supposed to say J'var? You made a choice, blame Igen if you want, blame me too. It was you who chose. I had no choice but to be supportive. If you think that I'm stupid enough to not see through all that and know it was you and your pride that won over the other Gold then you don't know me very well." Her eyes were growing rather narrow in her irritation.

"I can't feel anything anymore, J'var. You say you love me but you love power too and that is exactly the problem. You love power more. Just like my parents." Laszreen knew he would be the only person to know that mentioning her parents was a bad thing. She turned from him so he couldn't see how upset she was becomming. Laszreen never cried and she was trying desperately not to do that now.

[Adobe]

Here he was, pouring out his heart and along came Laszreen with her trusty daggar. That's the only thing he could trust about her-that she'd be ready to get rid of things as soon as they were no use to her! How could he have ever fallen in love with a Bitran! He scowled and narrowed his eyes, "We discussed this! It wasn't just my choice, it was both of ours! Your dragon didn't rise first, that's not my problem! You're just jealous because I'm the Weyrleader! If your Elfreth had risen first and you wanted to snub me, Ionuth never could have won and you know it! You'd let another man win if you were mad enough at me, and you wouldn't feel bad at all. That's right, you don't feel anything. Poor, cold Laszreen, when she doesn't get her way, she puts the blame on some one else!"

He was hurt now, and like an injured feline, he was lashing out, but instead of with claws, he used words- the most hurtful words he could think of. "And don't you dare call me power hungry, you hypocritical queenrider! You wanted power just as much as I did, so don't act all high and mighty. Again, your queen didn't rise first, and there's nothing I could do about that. You ask me to give up everything for you? I did. I could have been the Weyrleader at Igen if I wanted to. I didn't. I loved you, and only you, so I ended my relationship with Jenafa even before Elfreth was of age to fly."

He broke his gaze from her for the first time since he started his rant. What did she want from him? When she said jump, he jumped, and now that he did something for himself, she wouldn't forgive him. "I don't even see why I should be apologising for what is a fact of life! Queens rise, bronze follow. Mine caught! So I guess if I am not good enough for you now, I'll never be good enough."

He took something from his belt purse. It was a bracelet made of creme and pale yellow shells and shell pieces. He sighed, "You probably don't want this, but I had it made for you. Your dress tonight reminded me of it. It's from the cove around Star Hold, I was going to give it to you on your new status at Nova, but I guess I never got the chance. It's yours to do whatever you wish with. Destroy it, hide it, give it away if that's your desire. I would hope that you would keep it. To remind you that I still care, of our old relationship even though it seems we've cut too much to heal now."

He turned back and started to walk to Ionuth. He couldn't stay. She'd want to rip him a new one, and that was fine with him, but he didn't want to see her rip apart the bracelet. That would be the representation of what was happening to them, to feel it was hard enough... but to watch it... that would be too difficult. Let her destroy it when his back was turned, which he figured was most likely.

He turned once he stood next to the bronze, J'var said calmly, "And I think you should know, that I am going to take Ionuth away from Nova when Elfreth flies. I think it will be best, you know. Then you'll be free to whomever you choose. I won't get in the way."

[katgod]

Laszreen kept herself turned from him as he said everything he could think to say to take the blame from himself. "I didn't think it was going to happen the way that it did but that is no reason to blame me for my Gold's cycle. Would it have been too much for you to lose?" Her voice had that calmness, that cold, calculated calm that was worse than any screaming and shouting she could have done. It was like she was watching this from outside her body.

She may be cruel but she wasn't going to say anything in response to all of this. It would only make him happy to get a rise out of her now. She stood watching him get angrier and more distant from her. Making herself listen and watch him she began to tremble with the anger she was restraining. Was he so blind? She shook the dark strand of hair that had come loose out of her face. Laszreen wouldn't push him so much if he wasn't worthy of her time.

Could she move? No. Could she speak? No. She was a little past stunned. Normally she would have argued but she was tired of it. So tired of it. Let him rage, it wasn't like she could say anything that he would listen to at this point. He was far past the point where anything she could say would matter to him. The blinking of her eyes was increasing, trying to fight back this sudden and inexplicable grief.

The bracelet he handed to her, sat in her palm where she stared at it. Laszreen was still staring at it as he walked back to Ionuth. To him she would seem cold but Laszreen had never before been this silent during a fight. She wanted to speak but words weren't coming. Why had he called her here? To hurt her more deeply than before? She shouldn't have come at all.

He spoke of not coming to fly Elfreth, to which she nodded. When she was certain he couldn't see or hear her well, she began to cry. Not the quiet tears she was used to. Her throat caught on her grief as much as the tears did, so that she sobbed for perhaps the first time in her life. She sat on the ground, holding the bracelet in her hand, she rocked herself back and forth. Oh foolish, prideful tongue. She couldn't even think of why she suddenly felt so helpless. The only person who ever loved her was leaving her. It was a loss even someone with her mental capacity was having trouble dealing with.

[Adobe]

He watched her nod after he told her Ionuth would not try to fly Elfreth. Then he turned to mount, but he paused. No smart remark? No sharp pain in the back from where she tried to stab him? Nothing? That was unlike his weyrmate, former or otherwise. It was the silence that triggered his curiosity. He heard a soft noise, sad, not a gleeful giggling.

Slowly, he turned and saw her on the ground, rocking, back and forth, back and forth. Immediately, he thought, What have I done? Laszreen had never broke, not ever, not in the near 15 turns he had known her. It's just not what they did. Sometimes their jealousies got the better of them and they fought, they ripped each other to shreds, but neither of them broke down, at least not right there on the spot. Once they got back to their respective rooms, perhaps, but never like this.

He strode forward and knelt next to her and wrapped his arms around her. He cradled her tightly to him, and tears welled up in his own eyes. He rested his head upon hers, "Shhh, Laz. . . I'm sorry. . . I'm sorry. . . I love you. . . I'm sorry. . . Forgive me. . . I don't want to hurt you any more. . . I'm sorry. . . I'm sorry. . ."

[katgod]

She had not heard him come back. SHe had assumed he was off on Ionuth. When his arms came around her to hold her she didn't stop crying, she couldn't stop. Laszreen did not push him away because she did not want him to go. After she had cried, which was a long while after he had come to hold her, she cleared her throat. "J'var, I am sorry too." She knew that was not enough. Laszreen rarely apologized to anyone. So this was going to be big.

"I can not fathom that any man would ever compare to you. That you would think I find you unworthy, is messed up. I know I'm not good with my emotions but I've never really thought you would think I did not care. I have never loved anyone but you." She turned around to face him. He was perfect. Her hand gently brushed his jaw line. "I know we fight and I am stubborn and prideful but that doesn't mean for one minute that I don't love you." In fact it meant quite the opposite.

She leaned in to kiss him gently on the mouth. "I have missed you." The hand that held the bracelet placed it on the opposite wrist. She brought the arm up and it showed that it fit her perfectly. "I'm sorry for causing all this grief. You know how jealous I can be though."

[Adobe]

After a long while, Laszreen did something more than just sobbing. She spoke. She apologized to him. J'var said softly, "Then we are agreed to forgive each other?"

She spoke some more and he listened patiently, thrilled that she felt the same way as he did. Deep down, he knew she must, they had been through so much, and yet they still always desired only each other. "And you know how passionate I am, sometimes they blind me, sometimes I use them to protect myself. I'm sorry I've hurt you. I never meant to harm you, not ever. Maybe we can still right this. I love you, and you love me, there should be nothing stopping us from being together. Not flights, not power, not anything. If I can't be Weyrleader and have you, maybe I shouldn't be Weyrleader. Do you want me to step down? Whatever you desire, my love, I shall do it for you."

She kissed him, and he eagerly returned it. "I am glad it fits. You know how I like to get you gifts. Let all the men see that and know that you are mine."

[katgod]

"Of course. All is forgiven." She said and wiped the last bit of wetness from her cheek. Laszreen wanted things to work. She would try to be more understanding but deep down she knew she was going to be jealous of any woman who had even the slightest bit of J'var's attention. Should he step down? Laszreen didn't think that was necessary. "No, but maybe don't fly anyone else next time, hmm?"

Which reminded her of her own flight. Only a few days till then at the most. "Dearest, if you remain Weyrleader someone else will ahve to become Weyrsecond under you. A'stin may have been able to hold the Weyr together but this is a newer much more straining Weyr. There is the new twist of people here knowing timing and then the fact that we have to keep the place a secret. Its tempting for people to disregard the rules and also grow slack without thread here to keep them on their toes. In short, Elfreth's flight, is going to have to be someone else. I can't let you wear yourself too thin, love." She knew this would not please him but that she had thought about it ahead of time might help.

The Goldrider smiled, "I know. Did you see? I'm wearing the first ring you ever gave me..." The jade was as vibrant as ever but it went fine with her gown earlier. Usually she would have asked his opinion on what to wear with it, because he always wanted her to look the best of anyone at the Weyr.